the narc EX-perience

and part of what ultimatley lead to my cognitive dissonance..

i dont know why this occurred to me when i layed down to sleep tonight , but i felt i had to write about it..

about 3.5 years into the relationship with my narc ex.. we decided to , not try per say to get pregnant, but not try not too anymore either.. i dont know what i was thinking, well i sorta do but that will be for another post.

it didn't take long really and i figured i was pregnant.. i was nervous but we had been living together for years and were somewhat stable , and when i told him i thought i was pregnant.. i was sure and id never been the type to have false flags so i was sure by the time i approached him,
i remember just sitting in the bathroom having a casual conversation about what ifs..and he was shaving while talking and i recall he kind of paused and just said well yknow , there is still abortion options, it wouldnt really matter... just all of a sudden .. out of the blue, i remember feeling crushed, and confused and angry all at once.. i dont know how long it took me to pipe up and say well thats something i would have liked to know and still been using protection because i think i am pregnant..

he just said well you need to go get a test and then just brushed it off like it was no big deal and well just figure it out ..

he never said anything like that again ,, and when i did bring it up to him he acted as if it was just something he said , i shouldnt even think about it and it doesnt matter because here we are having the baby and he is happy about it so i shouldn't be worried about that. it was just something hed said, he didnt really mean it yknow.

and i really didnt... its only now 14 years later that i can see it was his way of not letting me be happy about it.. he knew , he just didnt want me to be excited .. of course when telling his friends or family he was over the moon to be a dad. , see ive learned that about the narcs.. he wouldnt dare say that to someone else, or he would look bad, but he also couldnt handle letting me feel happy and connected.

so many situations he did this. and i just didnt see it.

it just added up to be another one of the subtle ways he taught me how to not rely on him emotionally.. it still took 2 more kids and 10 more years untill i realized and got out. but i am still finding out thing , even now 5 years after leaving how long he was conditioning me , and the small but big moments that slowly broke me down.

i kept excusing it all, i started adjusting my life in small ways to accomodate ..
if i was pregnant , and sick , and sore, still maintaining the household, i couldnt ask this man for a massage, and it wasnt offered, the times i did break and actually ask him i was left with i worked all day long .. or sure i will rub your feet but do mine first because im sore >> he would most often proceed to fall asleep and heaven forbid he get woken up..

so i just stopped asking..
wasnt worth it and whatever.. when i had our 3nd child he bought me a foot spa for christmas so he wouldnt have to rub my feet.. then he proceeded to use it all the time himself when i would use it id have to refill it for him to use after.

if i had a food craving which only a pregnant woman will understand how intense they can get.. i was out of luck because he just couldnt understand why i wanted it and wasnt worth going out for . this i remember really hurting my feelings, i had rough pregnancies.. i was very sick.with the boys .. like 24-7 sick.. during that time we lived in a small apartment with a 1 year old , the Narc had surgery that required some major aftercare. he had nurses scheduled to come in a few times a day to change his dressings, this was uncomfortable for him and me being a carer , i learned how to dress the wounds from the nurses right away, to the point that they only came every other day then once a week.. i boiled sterile water, unloaded a massive open wound in his backside , irrigated it, re stuffed it with gauze and rebandaged it 3 times a day .. this took 5 months to heal,  all while looking after my toddler and being pregnant and sick. i didnt complain, and i kept stupidly telling myself, he will see what your doing for him , and when hes better this time will be different, he will take care of me back... silly because no he continued to be selfish and all about him.

i loved being pregnant.. i really did, i spent time playing with my belly, and this moving baby... i subscribed to pregnant chat groups and babycenter that would send me weekly updates on what is going on with this little growing miracle inside of me, i loved it. all the details from right away.
but i hated the experience with him, it was hard on me, i wanted someone who shared what i was experiencing and he just couldnt connect.

i had convinced myself, that if i just tried harder, or did better he would see the effort and appreciate me.
i wanted so badly for him to realize what we had together, to look at me and his child and be proud and grateful. stuff i can only say i guess you " see in the movies"
id convinced myself that men just dont love the same way.
id convinced myself that I could make it better , if i just did more. after 15 years and things just getting worse and worse , i exhausted myself.

i exhausted myself to the point that i wasnt even me anymore.
i was so weak by the time id left.



ugh thats my rambling for tonight ... its a healing process i hope. xoxo

so wise.. lol

why i thought i was so wise, and how it hurt me.

I didn't have the greatest upbringing.. 

i'll be the first to admit, some people hear me speak about my life and are shocked at times, i seem so normal.. ,

truth is, yes things were rough, but im not about to say i was damaged by it in any other way than i allowed i guess.. im not sure how much i will talk about my mom.. but right now the basics.. 

she was / is bi polar , untreated.. alcoholic, and a hard drug user. 

by the time i was 15 , id just had enough, got myself emancipated and have been on my own essentially since.

i didn't get lost in the system, i have a decent life. stayed in school, had special case student welfare to help take care of myself. 

i just wanted a good quiet drama free life. 

i made pretty sound choices for a young person with that much control over her life, 

i didnt know my dad, i know who he is and did find him at 28 and reunite somewhat but he wasnt involved in my upbringing.

some of that bothered me a bit as i got older and realized that he knew what i was living through somewhat , i did see him briefly around 8 or 9 .. and he knew what my mom was.. and that i believe is part of the reason he stopped seeing me. instead of helping me it was just easier to turn a blind eye to avoid having the drama my mother brings to the table. thats all i can say she is really a whirlwind of drama , so i know why he wanted to avoid it.. but he just left me there. 

so when i was 17 and met my narc ex.. and chose to uproot and move in with him, i thought it was a fairly sound choice. seemed like a decent guy, i didnt see all the red flags.. he truly love bombed me and showed me his unemotional side at the same time and i chose not to see the latter , for reasons like,

well he didnt hit me

he loves me

he does lots for me and takes care of me

I rationalized a lot , i had watched my mom in a few abusive relationships.. one with a complete psycho who on a number of occasions tried to kill her.
she was with him for years.

i will never forget the constant fear over those years. Its hard on kids.. watching , hearing, helpless.. do we call the cops and risk more trouble, knowing 1 ) you mom might get into more trouble from this guy, and be upset with you for that. We knew he would always be back sadly..

one particular night stands out the most. 
moms birthday , gramma had taken her out and bought her some new clothes and makeup. from what my memory is i believe my mom had called a lifelong friend to bring her some drugs, just some pot as i kinda knew who she had called and that never bothered me as she never went crazy on pot. 
regardless , her boyfriend at the time came home and was unimpressed that she was dressed up to meet this person .. when in reality even i know she was only wearing her new birthday outfit and makeup, trying to feel good about herself. 

he beat her that night to a pulp.
with me and my brother in the house. i must have been about 8 or 9 at the time
making my brother around 6.

he dumped her unconscious body into the tub. 
put the plug in,, 
turned on the shower , and left.

i remember my brother and i scrambling to the bathroom once we realized hed left
and unplugging the tub, it must have been some time because i remember the water had started to build around her. 
he would have drowned her.

i remember going to school the next day and thinking on my way home there is no way he will be there, she wouldn't take him in again right.. he tried to kill her..

but i was wrong, i walked into the house and into her bedroom . her face is permanently in my mind, she was swollen and literally every shade of black blues greens and purples all over her entire face, in bed.. i then see him carry in a bowl of soup to her and kiss her before leaving the room.. oh the ever caring, doting boyfriend. 

it made me sick. i lost all respect i may have had for her and probably also my sympathies
i even remember it was cream of celery soup.

it was a big moment for me i think, and also lead me to believe i knew what i was looking out for.. there is no was a man will lay a finger on me and think its ok. 

it also allowed me to endure alot of emotional abuse that i always was able to push aside , thinking, well he doesn't hit me..

no he didn't hit me. and i had no idea how damaging a relationship could be with him.

by the time i left, i had no sense of reality.. i started making notes and videos just to be able to keep myself straight. i have ptsd and suffer from cognitive dissonance that still affects me 5 years later.. 

i never saw it coming.

My Narc EX-perience

What ... was ... i .... thinking....

Im sure many of us ask ourselves this same question, everyday.

I think about it often, a time long ago, a person i barely remember..
17 , ahhhh... but who thinks at 17 .

i guess i should introduce myself ,, Sam here ..
no im not 17.. but i once was, what feels oddly so far away , yet not so long ago.
currently i am a 36 year old mom of 3 awesome kids..i may be biased, but they really are 3 of my favorite people.

but this blog isnt alot to do with them, and is at the same time.. bear with me .
i dont even know if i will publish this but some nights when i cant sleep , and my mind is racing it helps to write things down.

i will say mostly when i am stressed. i am far from a writer. so this will not be anywhere near perfect.

anyways back to my thought.. what was i thinking, well really because i was 17 .. i was thinking all kinds of mushy fantasy, lovey crap..

Id seen this dude at a party, new years eve.. i wasnt a drinker, made me sick so i never understood what the big deal about getting drunk was.. i was the stoner chick.. quietly happy with my smoke watching everyone else act a fool.. i liked having my wits about me , and smoking pot would let me have some fun whilst maintaining my standards...

i was a stoner chick ya... but i was also a bit of a prude lol .. anyways i saw this guy and the very first thing i think to myself is " i gotta stay away from him , hes trouble"

ugh >>>> follow your gut people... i mean i played it off that night as something entirely different than what i believe it was.. but when i look back now i can just shake my head.

he ended up being the out of town relative to a friend of mine , and he noticed me too.. and persued me 
through his cousin , my friend. 

he found out i had a boyfriend at the time who was a jerk to me, and i guess he thought i needed some saving
or more likely an easy supply target.

and i guess i was.. unknowing,

i thought i was so wise.. i guess with decent reason , i was for my age.. for the same reasons i have ended up here.. sounds so silly to me. again bear with me i will explain, but its a damn long story. 

my life story really. 

i think thats for another post though. we wended up spending an evening together with our friends and exchanged numbers .. the rest is history now at this point.

we talked all of the time , i visited him, he visited me and by the end of march 1997 we were living together.
i 17  ... he 19 at this point.