and part of what ultimatley lead to my cognitive dissonance..
i dont know why this occurred to me when i layed down to sleep tonight , but i felt i had to write about it..
about 3.5 years into the relationship with my narc ex.. we decided to , not try per say to get pregnant, but not try not too anymore either.. i dont know what i was thinking, well i sorta do but that will be for another post.
it didn't take long really and i figured i was pregnant.. i was nervous but we had been living together for years and were somewhat stable , and when i told him i thought i was pregnant.. i was sure and id never been the type to have false flags so i was sure by the time i approached him,
i remember just sitting in the bathroom having a casual conversation about what ifs..and he was shaving while talking and i recall he kind of paused and just said well yknow , there is still abortion options, it wouldnt really matter... just all of a sudden .. out of the blue, i remember feeling crushed, and confused and angry all at once.. i dont know how long it took me to pipe up and say well thats something i would have liked to know and still been using protection because i think i am pregnant..
he just said well you need to go get a test and then just brushed it off like it was no big deal and well just figure it out ..
he never said anything like that again ,, and when i did bring it up to him he acted as if it was just something he said , i shouldnt even think about it and it doesnt matter because here we are having the baby and he is happy about it so i shouldn't be worried about that. it was just something hed said, he didnt really mean it yknow.
and i really didnt... its only now 14 years later that i can see it was his way of not letting me be happy about it.. he knew , he just didnt want me to be excited .. of course when telling his friends or family he was over the moon to be a dad. , see ive learned that about the narcs.. he wouldnt dare say that to someone else, or he would look bad, but he also couldnt handle letting me feel happy and connected.
so many situations he did this. and i just didnt see it.
it just added up to be another one of the subtle ways he taught me how to not rely on him emotionally.. it still took 2 more kids and 10 more years untill i realized and got out. but i am still finding out thing , even now 5 years after leaving how long he was conditioning me , and the small but big moments that slowly broke me down.
i kept excusing it all, i started adjusting my life in small ways to accomodate ..
if i was pregnant , and sick , and sore, still maintaining the household, i couldnt ask this man for a massage, and it wasnt offered, the times i did break and actually ask him i was left with i worked all day long .. or sure i will rub your feet but do mine first because im sore >> he would most often proceed to fall asleep and heaven forbid he get woken up..
so i just stopped asking..
wasnt worth it and whatever.. when i had our 3nd child he bought me a foot spa for christmas so he wouldnt have to rub my feet.. then he proceeded to use it all the time himself when i would use it id have to refill it for him to use after.
if i had a food craving which only a pregnant woman will understand how intense they can get.. i was out of luck because he just couldnt understand why i wanted it and wasnt worth going out for . this i remember really hurting my feelings, i had rough pregnancies.. i was very sick.with the boys .. like 24-7 sick.. during that time we lived in a small apartment with a 1 year old , the Narc had surgery that required some major aftercare. he had nurses scheduled to come in a few times a day to change his dressings, this was uncomfortable for him and me being a carer , i learned how to dress the wounds from the nurses right away, to the point that they only came every other day then once a week.. i boiled sterile water, unloaded a massive open wound in his backside , irrigated it, re stuffed it with gauze and rebandaged it 3 times a day .. this took 5 months to heal, all while looking after my toddler and being pregnant and sick. i didnt complain, and i kept stupidly telling myself, he will see what your doing for him , and when hes better this time will be different, he will take care of me back... silly because no he continued to be selfish and all about him.
i loved being pregnant.. i really did, i spent time playing with my belly, and this moving baby... i subscribed to pregnant chat groups and babycenter that would send me weekly updates on what is going on with this little growing miracle inside of me, i loved it. all the details from right away.
but i hated the experience with him, it was hard on me, i wanted someone who shared what i was experiencing and he just couldnt connect.
i had convinced myself, that if i just tried harder, or did better he would see the effort and appreciate me.
i wanted so badly for him to realize what we had together, to look at me and his child and be proud and grateful. stuff i can only say i guess you " see in the movies"
id convinced myself that men just dont love the same way.
id convinced myself that I could make it better , if i just did more. after 15 years and things just getting worse and worse , i exhausted myself.
i exhausted myself to the point that i wasnt even me anymore.
i was so weak by the time id left.
ugh thats my rambling for tonight ... its a healing process i hope. xoxo
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