so wise.. lol

why i thought i was so wise, and how it hurt me.

I didn't have the greatest upbringing.. 

i'll be the first to admit, some people hear me speak about my life and are shocked at times, i seem so normal.. ,

truth is, yes things were rough, but im not about to say i was damaged by it in any other way than i allowed i guess.. im not sure how much i will talk about my mom.. but right now the basics.. 

she was / is bi polar , untreated.. alcoholic, and a hard drug user. 

by the time i was 15 , id just had enough, got myself emancipated and have been on my own essentially since.

i didn't get lost in the system, i have a decent life. stayed in school, had special case student welfare to help take care of myself. 

i just wanted a good quiet drama free life. 

i made pretty sound choices for a young person with that much control over her life, 

i didnt know my dad, i know who he is and did find him at 28 and reunite somewhat but he wasnt involved in my upbringing.

some of that bothered me a bit as i got older and realized that he knew what i was living through somewhat , i did see him briefly around 8 or 9 .. and he knew what my mom was.. and that i believe is part of the reason he stopped seeing me. instead of helping me it was just easier to turn a blind eye to avoid having the drama my mother brings to the table. thats all i can say she is really a whirlwind of drama , so i know why he wanted to avoid it.. but he just left me there. 

so when i was 17 and met my narc ex.. and chose to uproot and move in with him, i thought it was a fairly sound choice. seemed like a decent guy, i didnt see all the red flags.. he truly love bombed me and showed me his unemotional side at the same time and i chose not to see the latter , for reasons like,

well he didnt hit me

he loves me

he does lots for me and takes care of me

I rationalized a lot , i had watched my mom in a few abusive relationships.. one with a complete psycho who on a number of occasions tried to kill her.
she was with him for years.

i will never forget the constant fear over those years. Its hard on kids.. watching , hearing, helpless.. do we call the cops and risk more trouble, knowing 1 ) you mom might get into more trouble from this guy, and be upset with you for that. We knew he would always be back sadly..

one particular night stands out the most. 
moms birthday , gramma had taken her out and bought her some new clothes and makeup. from what my memory is i believe my mom had called a lifelong friend to bring her some drugs, just some pot as i kinda knew who she had called and that never bothered me as she never went crazy on pot. 
regardless , her boyfriend at the time came home and was unimpressed that she was dressed up to meet this person .. when in reality even i know she was only wearing her new birthday outfit and makeup, trying to feel good about herself. 

he beat her that night to a pulp.
with me and my brother in the house. i must have been about 8 or 9 at the time
making my brother around 6.

he dumped her unconscious body into the tub. 
put the plug in,, 
turned on the shower , and left.

i remember my brother and i scrambling to the bathroom once we realized hed left
and unplugging the tub, it must have been some time because i remember the water had started to build around her. 
he would have drowned her.

i remember going to school the next day and thinking on my way home there is no way he will be there, she wouldn't take him in again right.. he tried to kill her..

but i was wrong, i walked into the house and into her bedroom . her face is permanently in my mind, she was swollen and literally every shade of black blues greens and purples all over her entire face, in bed.. i then see him carry in a bowl of soup to her and kiss her before leaving the room.. oh the ever caring, doting boyfriend. 

it made me sick. i lost all respect i may have had for her and probably also my sympathies
i even remember it was cream of celery soup.

it was a big moment for me i think, and also lead me to believe i knew what i was looking out for.. there is no was a man will lay a finger on me and think its ok. 

it also allowed me to endure alot of emotional abuse that i always was able to push aside , thinking, well he doesn't hit me..

no he didn't hit me. and i had no idea how damaging a relationship could be with him.

by the time i left, i had no sense of reality.. i started making notes and videos just to be able to keep myself straight. i have ptsd and suffer from cognitive dissonance that still affects me 5 years later.. 

i never saw it coming.